Slipping
by Enchantress Nova
Summary: Kakashi attempts suicide but wakes up two days later and things change, he must enter sobriety, heal and truly live again...he also must learn to truly love again. Kaka/Iru Yaoi Suicide selfharming drugs & other related issues DISCONTINUED FOR NOW
1. Ending It

(A/N: In this fic Sakumo Hatake dies when Kakashi is seven, just to give Kakashi more reason to be depressed –I love making characters suffer! Also this fic is set after team 7s fight with Zabuza.)

(Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and I do not make money for my writing.)

Slipping

Ending It

Kakashi's POV

I am the result of ruthless pitiless and endless torture.

As far back as I can remember someone has always been out to hurt me. Why me? With all of the murderers, rapists and various other bastards in the world, why was _I _the one being punished?

I had never done anyone wrong...but time after time, fate, god, or whatever the fuck controls the hell that is my life, decides to throw some more despairing obstacle my way.

The tragedies in my life only knocked me down further. I was supposed to be Konoha's prize Ninja. I had talent, drive, genius and everything else a Ninja needed to succeed...except for chance.

How could I have _any_ chance in this world?!

My father was a depressed, abusive man who couldn't even hold onto his own life, my best friend was an idiot...but he was my idiot. No one had the right to take him away from me, he was too young...and I know it should have been me. I didn't value life anymore by then anyway.

Various other events in my life led me to tonight. Through depression, abuse from the people and world around me and my own abuse toward myself I am finally ending it. My sweet release is now.

The drugs refresh my mind, making me feel light and awake, alcohol clouds my vision of this fucked up world, that I will never have to look at again, my insomnia and anorexia is forgotten with the happiness of escape and my body wet underneath the shower.

I pick up my razor and remove the blade. I admire the shiny piece of metal for minutes, twiddling it with my fingers. I believe this a fitting end. The world has cut me countless times with its hard corners and sharp disappointments.

I had seeked help several years ago but as soon as the smoke cleared I got the shock of my life. Most people who give up an addiction get the shock of the world they were missing...My shock was the complete opposite.

Beneath my calm (aka _high_) exterior was a depressed, lonely and terrified weakling. And _that_ was the scariest thing of all. I went back to my addictions; but it was only a temporary escape.

I am broken beyond any repair, and with nothing to look forward to in life, I will cut it short.

I hold the blade at my wrist and slowly add pressure until it breaks the skin. I stop at the first cut to watch the rich colour of red spill down my arm and body.

I regularly cut the top of my thigh and my shoulders. Occasionally I cut my lower arms but that was only in case of being without healed skin or there being a particularly horrible episode of my depression.

I had never cut my wrists before, I had always felt it was too risky, one wrong cut and it was all over...but that wasn't an issue now.

I continue cutting as crimson rivers flow down my body and join the showers running water. I shift to my other wrist and do the same. I cut in clean swift movements like it were a fine art.

It won't stop bleeding but I'm not in any panic. I'm in bliss...

I bleed for over five minutes and my head begins to feel light.

_This is it! I'll be free from all the suffering...I am so close!_

I sit down in the shower, my body feels weak and I can't stand anymore. My messy hair falls over my face and I pull my knees up to my chest. The scarlet pool now covers my body and I feel my heart slowing down.

I watch the water powering down like a waterfall and my mind drifts lazily.

What will happen when I'm gone? My students will be mad and feel lost...but they'll get over me. Gai will explode into a speech of how I was always so youthful and will stream tears every time I'm mentioned. And many of my friends will wonder if there was anything they could have done...the answer being "no".

I don't regret my actions, I don't want to turn back and grip on to life.

My vision darkens, I can't hear anything ...It's done...I've ended it.


	2. Learning

(A/N: Sakumo Hatake's suicide is different in this fic –not only is it later in Kakashi's life but I've decided to have _the deed_ done by bullet in the brain.)

Slipping

Learning

"Hokage, you can't be serious..."

Iruka couldn't believe this. _He_ was being suspended from _his _duties as an academy school teacher because that Hatake decided to kill himself!

Iruka didn't even like the guy. He was cocky, distant, and more often than not 'inappropriate.' He read those disgustingly perverted books, in private it would be none of Iruka's business, but in public-in front of Naruto! He was surprised Hatake hadn't been referred to the Hokage for it.

"Listen, I know this may seem unfair but it's been proven that suicidal patients are more likely to get better if they know the person who is treating them, not to mention that you are one of our best therapists for raising 'self-importance.' If there is any chance of Kakashi living a normal life again it will be because of you."

Iruka just looked at old man with a blank expression. He wasn't happy about this, he wasn't happy at all!

"Iruka." Hokage knew Iruka hated the idea of treating Kakashi so he had to say something. "No matter how much you detest this; do you honestly think that this is harder for you than it is Kakashi?"

Iruka was cornered and in defeat he agreed to help the _poor depressed Kakashi Hatake..._

~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Gai found Kakashi in the shower, with slit wrists and scars from when he'd been cutting before!"

"I heard he was high-maybe it was just the drugs that made him kill himself"

"That wouldn't explain the old scars though!"

"What do you suppose...y'know..._pushed him over the edge?_"

"Kakashi's too mysterious. It could be anything since none of us really know him that well."

The news had spread through Konoha like wildfire. It was even published in the newspaper headlining: "HATAKE FAILS IN FATHER'S FOOTSTEPS"

The cruel article had depicted how Kakashi's attempted suicide was a sorry endeavour to be like his father; Sakumo Hatake. It had been a surprise for everyone to read the article-Never had so many facts been revealed about the subject. The journalist who had written it had definitely done their homework.

In the Hatake mansion, Sakumo (White Fang) pulled the trigger against his head. Blood and brain covered the walls and floor. Seven year old Kakashi's whereabouts were unknown but Kakashi has not lived in the mansion since. The article then went on to words from psychologists all trying to convince the readers that Kakashi's failed suicide was related to a sick obsession with his father. But anyone who knew Kakashi, even a little could tell it was a lie.

Squad seven were angry. All of them.

Naruto yelled for hours without any point to make, just an overwhelming feeling of confusion, sadness and pain. Sasuke had lost his patience with the blonde boy and had joined in the screaming. Sakura collapsed into tears, face hot with frustration.

They were offered counselling to deal with the sudden upset but they had all refused. They just wanted to know that their sensei was going to be okay...but no one could promise them that.

Gai had surprised everyone. Gai had become quite the opposite man. His colour died. His sad eyes seemed lifeless and his aura, once bright and unbearably flamboyant, dimly glowed in his painful state of melancholy disorder.

Konoha seemed to be less alive. Other than the gossipers, depression seemed to have settled in everyone from the Hokage to the people who had once sold the happy team seven ramen.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Iruka's POV

The machines blipped and beeped in the small white hospital room. The figure lay quietly on the bed with leather straps holding him tightly, no signs of life but the sharp lines on the monitor and the small rise and fall of his chest. I found it hard to breathe looking at him.

I never realised just how little of him there was left. If I had seen this before I would have demanded that he see a doctor.

His sickly pale skin, the dark rings around his eyes, how thin he was, it shocked me to see how far a human being can fall.

The nurse told me he should wake up any time now. I sat on a chair distanced just over a metre away from the bed and stared at the floor. Watching Kakashi made me feel ill.

I had no idea what I was in for when I had accepted the job from the Hokage, but being his therapist, the things I've learned before even a single session are remarkable. Between what I have been told by Gai Maito and the Doctors, I was left speechless.

Kakashi Hatake, son of the legendary White Fang, was a child genius and today still holds the world record for youngest Jounin. Kakashi's father committed suicide when Kakashi was seven and it seemed to have a great effect on him.

Gai revealed Kakashi wearing a mask _now_ is purely psychological, which only intrigued me more but Gai felt it wasn't his place to tell me.

Kakashi is a loyal and honourable man who would die for his friends. Kakashi is the only living member of his old team and the only person alive with the last name Hatake.

In the past two years Kakashi hasn't had a single goon night's sleep and has progressively gotten thinner making him an insomniac and anorexic. No one knew for just how long Kakashi had been addicted to alcohol and drugs but his cutting could be pin pointed to the night of the Nine-tailed fox.

The fourth Hokage's sacrifice had left Kakashi without a father figure and feeling alone. Gai could remember Kakashi calling him at three in the morning crying and afraid. It was the first time Kakashi had ever cut himself and the amount of blood 'that just wouldn't stop' had caused him to panic.

Gai knew it was suicide NOT and accident when he had found him in the shower. Kakashi never cut his wrists he was always so careful. Not to mention that if Kakashi had accidentally cut too deep he would have called or at least been found in a more frenzied state, not the calm and peaceful one Gai had seen.

I was furious with Gai when I heard everything he had never told anyone before. What kind of friend was he? But any moron could see that the man was distressed about his friend. I wasn't about to make him feel any worse.

I began to wonder if I would ever be able to _cure_ Kakashi. This was clearly a complex issue and I felt a little out of my league. But there was no turning back.

I had decided once I had gotten Kakashi started on the therapy that I would treat the students to some ramen on me. I couldn't imagine how they were taking it. There respected and loved sensei had tried to end his life; that would be hard on anyone.

I can see in the corner of my eye Kakashi is moving now. Awakening to the world he thought he would never see again.

I cannot feel empathetic towards this man. I love life and could never envision taking it of my own free will.

I moved my gaze from the floor to the man's uncovered and attractive, hence confusing, face. His eyes fluttered open as he slowly registered his surroundings.

Good thing he's strapped down...


	3. The Therapist

Slipping

The Therapist

Iruka's POV

I had taken five hours and several shots of morphine before Kakashi had calmed down. During which hours Kakashi had shouted and screamed, he even managed to break one of the straps and break a doctor's nose.

I had just sat there...completely useless. I was definitely out of my head attempting to help this man.

Now he was looking at me, his angry and confused eyes burning a hole through me. I couldn't bring my eyes away.

He was waiting for an answer from me. The answer to why he had woken up.

I had tried to begin talking many times but no voice had come out. So Kakashi had started for me...

"Why am I alive?" His voice fell empty of emotion and full of undying surmountable pressure.

"Well uh-we-I-don-" My words stumbled incoherently as Kakashi's eyes peered practically screaming 'talk or die.' And truly...I didn't feel like dying anytime soon.

"G-Gai Maito f-found you in the shower and brought you here." My voice was a frightened whisper.

The Jounin's gaze made me feel the size of a pea. This was a man crazy enough to slit his wrists, who was an addict and could probable kill me if I was even a step closer to him. I don't know how but I bet he could find a way.

I saw his eyes mist over, due to an emotion or the morphine – I couldn't tell.

"We know it was an attempt at suicide and _I_...have been hired as your...therapist." I mumbled the last word but he had heard it.

Kakashi closed his eyes and focused on calming his breathing. The drugs had caused him to sweat and feel drowsy.

"I don't want a therapist." He said barely audible.

"No. But you _need_ a therapist...."

Kakashi gulped and began talking. "I've had therapists before."

I hadn't been told about this. Probably because Kakashi's past therapists were to embarrassed logging in such a lousy job on him!

"You will know by now that I'm a genius, right?" I gave a small 'yes' and he continued. "I am as certified a psychologist as you will ever be...I know my problems and I know my options. 'Do what causes good health and greater happiness' is the motto of most shrinks...I WAS DOING THAT!"

His anger was growing and he began struggling against his bonds so I pressed a button I had been handed by the nurse which gave him another dose of morphine. If I wasn't careful morphine would become his new addiction.

"I would have been better off dead than the _hell_ my body and mind were running through every damn day...and I...hadn't been..." The drug made him even sleepier. But before unconsciousness took him once again, he finished; "...happier."

I watched Kakashi slip away into a drug-induced slumber and I couldn't help but pity him.

~*~*~*~*~*

Kakashi's POV

After that jackass "therapist" had drugged me he must have left. I don't think anyone in the hospital knows I'm awake yet.

I calm myself enough to concentrate and use a jutsu to release myself of my binds in a puff of smoke.

I look around in case anyone heard me. Apparently not.

I'm not insane. I'm just unhappy with life.

Why the fuck did Gai have to find me?!

I guess it wasn't his fault. If I had been in his shoes I probably would have done the same thing.

I wouldn't have even thought about what he wanted, I would have just instinctly tried to help my friend.

They're all going to be watching me now...my every move...my every word.

I sit up on the bed and look out of the window. The crisp cool air felt nice around my face but I feel empty at the same time. I look at the calendar by my bed and see that I've been unconscious for _two whole days!_

Now I know why I feel so drained. I'm cleansed for recreational substance. My mind is hungry for the sensation brought with _my _drugs. No stupid hospital pain killers can dull _this_ feeling!

I look at the outside for means of escape as my mind wanders towards that Iruka Umino.

It's laughable what that Chuunin believes he's capable of. _Curing _me? Ha! I don't need_ cured!_

The only thing he's good for is paperwork and nagging. I bet he pities me...who is _he_ to pity _me?!_

I would have been happy without Gai "rescuing" me. The only thing my "therapist" should pity is his own naivety.

...although...he is _hot_!

I can't help but smile when I think about all of those day-dreams regarding the very shy Chuunin.

I didn't sleep so for weeks I had spent my free time thinking about Umino's body. I have to admit, despite being a jackass he was still really sexy.

His modesty was louring, it's as if he doesn't even know that he's attractive!

I would never have made a move though...no matter how much I wanted to.

Reasons being that he was probably straight and would be disgusted at the very thought, he was my students' teacher and regularly saw them, and not to mention the fact that I wasn't up to the challenge of a relationship with anyone!

The last serious relationship I had had ended badly...very badly!

I'm glad I hadn't surrendered to my feelings. Now, I know what I really want...I want peace.

And if I have to fight to be able to finally rest...then that's exactly what I'll do!

~*~*~*~*~*

Gai and Genma were making there way to see Kakashi in room 108, and despite it only being a couple of minutes, the silence had made it sound like a lifetime.

"Gai?" Genma tried to get Gai's attention from the floor. He sighed exasperated. "Gai, you have to pull yourself together...What would Kakashi say if he saw you like this?"

"How about - 'you fucker! Why did you have to save me and put me in this hell hole? I never want to hear from you again, get out of my life and don't turn back' hmm?

"Gai you know he's not going to think tha-"

"Well a couple days ago I _knew_ Kakashi wasn't depressed enough to try and kill himself. Oh but look... I WAS WRONG!" Gai yelled.

Genma couldn't stop the shock from showing in his expression. Gai had changed dramatically since the 'incident' and from the looks of things Gai wasn't enjoying the new him either.

"Gai...what's really bothering you?"

"...I-I don't...well..." Genma got Gai's eye contact and asked for him to answer with a look. "I don't know if for all these years I've been doing the right thing..." But he just received a look of confusion "...keeping quiet about Kakashi's problems."

Then it all made sense! Gai was feeling _guilty! _

"Gai, you have no reason to feel guilty, in fact, weren't you the one who forced him to get help. That was the time he sobered up, remember?"

Gai lifted his head slightly. He began to feel a little better about himself but the sadness was still eating away at him. Seeing Kakashi again might help him to feel better ...maybe.

They arrived at room 108 and stopped outside the door, took a deep breath and turned the handle.

~*~*~*~*~*

Iruka's POV

"So? How did it go?" asked the Hokage in his raspy voice.

I sat opposite him on the other side of his desk. I could feel Ebisu's eyes on me but I tried to ignore him as best I could.

"He doesn't want help. He wants to die and rest and he's happy like tha-"

"You can't tell me you would allow him to do this." interrupted a horrified Hokage.

"Of course not!" I sighed and continued "I will have to talk to him when he's calm. I can't use psychology on someone who's always high on pain-killers. Also, Kakashi is under some illusion that ending his life if the best option, I don't know if he isn't prepared to put in the work or if it's something else. I'll have to wait until our sessions before I can find out exactly what is holding him back."

I watched the Hokage nodding along with what I said and I could feel Ebisu's gaze let up.

"First I think we should focus on his addictions. He says he's had therapists before, clearly he has sought help and not received it."

"That's a lie." We all turned to face Ebisu, who had been silent from the moment I arrived.

"What are you talking about?"

"Kakashi was sobering up for a year. He succeeded and was clean for months but eventually returned to his addictions."

"Why?!"

"I don't know. But his records are here and it concludes everything."

This man, Kakashi Hatake, seemed to stretch my mind beyond any logical understanding. Whet was this guy? I was close to believing he was cast here by Beelzebub simply to drive me to insanity, and I was near convinced when a guard burst in the door startling everyone.

"Pardon my intrusion Hokage-sama but Kakashi has escaped from hospital and can't be found.

Kakashi is a project that is going to test both his strength and my own.


	4. Hunger

(A/N: Kakashi will be uke and I'm also switching their heights around-which just means Iruka is 5'11" and Kakashi is 5'10")

Slipping

Hunger

Iruka's POV

I was told not to worry and that my job was simply to deal with Kakashi psychologically. Kakashi is not my responsibility and that 'a Chuunin is not expected to be able to control a Jounin.'

This was a relief for me at the start but something was nagging me; my natural instinct to help a fellow human being.

When I had seen Kakashi on the hospital bed my heart sank. He was clearly tortured, not in the physical sense - although I wouldn't be surprised if it that had happened, but tortured in a way that _normal_ people can never comprehend; tortured by the prospect of life.

Life is always expected to be the thing worth fighting for. Whether you fight for it 'yelling and shouting and guns blazing' or 'down on hands and knees, desperate and begging pathetically' you get away with your life and that's the important thing.

Of course, some people value other people's lives over their own but that doesn't mean that when their beloved are gone they wouldn't degrade themselves for their own benefit.

Kakashi doesn't work like that. He values his friends first, his dignity and then anything to keep him sane. I've never had a patient like him before but I could guess why he had resorted to drugs and self-harming...

He's afraid of his own madness.

With his lack of sleep, dramatic life events, and need for preserving his sanity and dignity, finding a way to forget or numb himself was understandable.

I don't judge Kakashi for his addictions, and I don't know just what Kakashi has been through in his life, but at the end of the day, Drugs, drink, self-harming, and all of the other things, are merely out of desperation.

Without his addictions Kakashi cannot cope with what life has done to him. He's afraid of being so weak that he cannot fight, not even for his own honour.

It must hurt a lot. Being beaten and punished by fate for just being alive.

I'm not sure how I'm going to help him. First get him off of his addictions and then work on his own out look on life. But most of all...I need to get to know him better.

~*~*~*~*~*

I was leaving to visit Naruto at his apartment when I crossed through the busiest part of the village and was met by an army of gossipers.

I wasn't sure how they knew I was Kakashi's therapist but I assumed it was someone working at the hospital.

I was ambushed and surrounded by the gossipers but revealed nothing and eventually was able to scurry out. But about to leave with no harm done, I saw someone inside a store. It was Gai Maito.

I rushed in to talk to him and saw him buying dog-food.

"Gai?" I asked nervously.

"Oh, Iruka Umino, how are you today?" Gai replied flatly without looking me in the face.

I just stared at him confused. How the fuck does he think I'm feeling?!

"I'm apparently better than you."

He just looked at me surprised but was not offended. It was plain to see, actually, it was beginning to look like he was worse off than Hatake.

I just waited as Gai bought the dog food, which he had explained were for Kakashi's dogs, Gai was taking care of things while Kakashi was away.

We walked in silence towards Kakashi's apartment; I figured it might help for me to see how the man lived.

Then I realised that Gai was just as mysterious to me as Kakashi...only I didn't know which questions to ask him.

"You must really care for Kakashi, huh?" I tried.

"Yes I do...Are you going to help Kakashi?"

I nodded. All Gai cared about was if his friend was okay.

"Actually...you could help me by telling me about Kakashi."

He fell timid but must have decided Kakashi was worth secret sharing with a psychologist.

He nodded and offered a smile.

I wonder if Gai _loves_ Kakashi. I don't think it's in anyway sexual...but as a person.

I would ask him more questions later, when he's more eager to talk...and probably when we know where Kakashi actually is!

Then I suspected that Gai might know where Kakashi is. So I asked.

~*~*~*~*~*

Kakashi's POV

"Thanks Z.B." I said to my dealer.

Finally! Now I've stocked up I can 'let go' a little.

I turned out of the sleazy back alley unnoticed and headed to some god-awful hotel.

After leaving the hospital I used a jutsu to disguise myself so as I wasn't caught, surely the Hokage had Ninja looking everywhere for me, they would ask around and the gossipers would get brand new topics.

I had stopped off at my apartment to pick up some basics; money, clothes...needle.

I checked in at a hotel that hardly looked stable with a receptionist who had clearly seen better days, but it was certainly the last place Ninja would think to look for me. Only Gai knew about this place.

I went up to my room and looked around. All of the rooms were pretty much the same; Brown, dusty, with the bare essentials and a beautiful view...of absolutely nothing.

I left a lighter and a small packet of powder on my bed, went into the bathroom and undid the jutsu. The change would catch anyone by surprise; I changed from a tan, big-built and healthy looking man to a grossly skinny, sickly-pale bag of substance abusing bones! But I had seen my body next to so many others...comparisons just depressed me.

I looked myself in the mirror as I undressed. My ribs poked out and my stomach seemed almost missing, my legs slender and looked unable to hold any weight and my arms like straws. I've become ugly...

I don't know why I'm _able_ to be so slutty. What guy in his right mind would want to have sex with a skeleton? Wait...who am I to judge them?

I look at my face closer in the mirror, my cheek bones stick out more due to my anorexia and the dark rings under my eyes make me look dead. I'm a walking corpse...no, I'm an aspiring corpse.

I change into a pair of boxers and a black vest and begin washing my needle in hot water from the sink.

I'm not going to attempt my suicide at the moment. It's like painting a masterpiece, if it's forced it is not going to reach its full potential...before I 'do the deed' I need some kind of _momentum._

I move into the main room and sit cross-legged on the bed and place the needle on the small table next to me.

I took a metal spoon from the tea set all hotels had for their visitors and began heating the powder.

After about fifteen minutes I had everything ready, except for the vein. So I ripped of a strip from a bed sheet quickly tied it around my upper arm.

My body was feeling hungry and I found the wait frustrating. I began tapping my arm with the needle and cursing when one wouldn't show. Eventually I gave up and decided to move the strip to my left arm. I didn't inject in this one as much so one should show up any minute.

~*~*~*~*~*

Kakashi was too distracted to hear anyone enter the room. Iruka had watched him fail in slapping up a vein in his right arm and move to the other.

"Kakashi?"

He immediately turned his attention to the rooms other occupant. How the hell did Umino find him? And as if reading his mind Iruka answered "I talked to Gai..."

Kakashi just stopped his actions and looked at Iruka, watching his every move and was almost offended when Iruka began approaching him like he was some kind on dangerous animal.

"I haven't told anyone that you're here" said Iruka in attempts at winning Kakashi's trust but he was just met with a cold look from the Jounin.

"If you're not here to take me back to hospital then why did you look for me?"

"I want to help."

It was an honest answer from Iruka that had caught Kakashi off guard.

"...but you don't even _like_ me?"

Iruka was surprised too. The reaction he had expected was anger at the word 'help' not the request for an explanation.

"I like helping people and from what I've seen...you're _very_ loved and very important to those who know you. Anyone who can switch-off Gai's optimism without trying is certainly a powerful influence in people's lives and is worth fighting to save."

Kakashi put up his defences as Iruka got closer and sat at the bottom of the bed; but it was difficult to focus through the throbbing need in his brain towards the needle only a foot away from him.

"I don't need saved." He said sourly.

This reaction he was expecting.

"Kakashi, if you are so convinced that death is the best path then nothing should be able to change your mind, right?" He received a nod "then giving therapy a try won't hurt. I promise that when you're with me no one will hurt you. Think of it as time to look over you're options. So will you cooperate with me?"

He received a sceptical look.

"And what if the option I chose is suicide?"

"Then there's nothing I can do. I'm not responsible for you nor am I expected to be able to control you." He smirked.

Kakashi, though suicidal, was a reasonable man and Iruka had made an attractive deal. It wasn't like Kakashi could just keep hiding from the public, waiting for the right setting to finally 'rest in peace.' There was nothing peaceful about ducking and dodging.

"Fine." Kakashi said smirking as he injected himself with heroin.

Iruka had been so distracted that he hadn't been watching Kakashi's hands.

"That's what we need to stop first." uttered Iruka with a horrified tone.

"Good luck."


	5. True Beauty

(A/N: Well "ScalpulSlutInParis" honestly my 'experience' is private (but I'm not going to say you're wrong). Also have you named yourself from Amber Sweet in REPO! The Genetic Opera? I love that movie.)

Slipping

True Beauty

Iruka's POV

It's been 4 weeks since the incident at the hotel. Kakashi had agreed to my treatment but the man didn't allow me to sober him, even Gai couldn't tell me how he was doing it, we had returned to the hospital so that he could be watched and protected from himself. How the hell was he still getting drugs into his system? We checked his blood regularly and we found Marijuana, Heroin and Cannabis. This man wasn't just a genius anymore but a magician and I couldn't compete. He is above me in all aspects of the game...I'm losing.

I've given up on it and I'm leaving it up to the doctors and guards to figure out about the drugs so I'm focusing on the mind and weight. I've gotten him to eat better, still too little compared to an average person's diet, but anymore and Kakashi just vomits it back up again. His body is better looking now, he's still pale and extremely skinny but I would no longer compare him to a skeleton.

I don't know what it is about him. He tests my mind and ability to the point of self-certain defeat yet he intrigues me more than any other person has before. I wonder if I am becoming attracted to this man, and considering his state, I worry for both him and myself.

I've never been attracted to someone so vulnerable before. Many times I've lectured patients on what this type of selection can mean; normally that they wish to play the part of God, or they wish to finally triumph over someone based on a past of shadowing...but that wasn't me. I genuinely cared for this fascinating man, and I wasn't the only one; he had his students, friends, random villagers and even the Hokage whom fell changed sadly at his troubles.

Have I fallen into a trap? Perhaps the same one Gai Maito had been caught in years ago and was never released from.

I am near convinced Kakashi can read my thoughts, every time I near him captivated by the stunning beauty of the man he seems to react coyly. I never mean to make him feel uncomfortable and I would never dream of taking advantage of him, but looking at him did something to me...something I couldn't identify.

I'm heading to see him now for another session. All we've been able to talk about so far are his addictions and present habits and I hope today to talk about his parents in relation to his own childhood.

I'm stopped at the room door by two burly guards and I show them my ID, they check me for any weapons or substances and find none. With a small bow I enter the white hospital room, close the door behind me and I hear a guard lock it. I look at the bed where Kakashi is reading one of those small orange books, he tears his eyes away from it to look me in the eye...he's smiling.

I don't know why I didn't like him before; he's friendly, charming and possibly the most pleasant company a gut could ask for.

"So, Kakashi how are you today?"

"Cut out that formal garbage and talk to me like a human being damnit" he replied tauntingly.

I chuckle and take a seat at the bottom of the bed, I can't help but smile around this man...it's almost as if he doesn't have anything wrong with him at all!

We talked about how Kakashi was feeling since my last visit and he talked somewhat about seeing Gai and trying to cheer him up a little, I had asked about the drugs but he just smirked and kept silent, and then he said something I hadn't expected...

"How are my students doing?"

In all of this time he had not uttered a word about his students, I could see in his mismatched eyes he was truly worried for them.

"They're doing well..._now_."

Since the second week of therapy I had been seeing to their well-being myself. I would treat them to ramen at least twice a week and we would talk about things. They were just glad someone could finally shed some light on their sensei's condition. I told Kakashi this and he seemed satisfied with my answer.

I finally got down to business and was able to ask about Kakashi's childhood...

He had never known his mother but she had still certainly influenced his life just by being her. She had passed on her genius to her son and had been an incredible woman in her time. She had cured many diseases and solved many perplexing mathematical, scientific and philosophical anomalies.

She had died of cancer when Kakashi was a baby; this began Sakumo's problems...

Her death triggered his depression, being a widower left with a baby alone and in the celebrity limelight was definitely not a recipe for success.

My heart felt frozen as I saw Kakashi's pain-filled eyes, he stuttered out about how Sakumo turned to drink to ease his mind; he described fully his fathers drinking habits and violent swings regarding verbal obscenities and the breaking of furniture...Kakashi's eyes were tightly shut in attempts at not whimpering and was gripping the sheets so hard his knuckles had turned whiter if that's even possible.

I knew what Kakashi was trying to say and from his reaction it didn't seem like he had told anyone else this...I don't even imagine he liked thinking of it. I had seen patients struggle before to voice pasts with violent guardians; it's possibly the most scarring thing anyone can experience; being beaten by your father...so I was quiet.

By now it had been almost two ours into our session and it was beginning to show, Kakashi was extremely stressed and I offered to come back tomorrow if he was finding it difficult to speak but he just shook his head muttering 'if I don't tell you now I'll probably never say it.'

Kakashi told me the truth. The _whole _truth...

Kakashi's father didn't just beat him up, he didn't just yell at him but he raped him. I was speechless.

_Kakashi? Raped?!Of all things that was the last thing I had expected from the Copy nin!_

I didn't show my surprise facially, if I did he would think I was judging him and I couldn't let him believe that.

We talked briefly on Sakumo's actions during his strife but decided to end our session there. Kakashi quickly returned to normal as if he had just been telling me what he had eaten for breakfast, it astonished me how mush this man could hide.

I waited until I truly felt Kakashi was feeling better, said a farewell and turned to leave the room.

"What, no good bye kiss?"

I looked at him with an uncontrollable smirk...this man was truly amazing.


	6. Breakdown

(A/N): WARNING - Graphic child abuse/rape in this chapter! )

Slipping

Breakdown

~*# (Flashback) #*~

The crashing and cussing echoed through the mansion, the low grunts and clumsy stomping was the clear indication to the four year old upstairs that Sakumo Hatake...was home.

'_He's drunk again...'_

The clumsiness of the drunken father was not out of drowsiness but out of anger. His mind cloudy but agitated, he wanted to hit something...no, _someone!_

"KAKASHI! BRAT, GET DOWN HERE!!!"

'_No way...that maniac will rip me to shreds!'_

Kakashi curled himself into a ball, knees up to his chest and head down, trying not to whimper when he heard his furious father ascending the staircase.

'_No, please...just go away...just go away...' _

Little Kakashi couldn't control the shaking, his breathing became panicked and his heart pounded hard.

Kakashi was used to Sakumo hitting him, he could take that...but beating him was intolerable. The repetitive striking on his small fragile form was like being coursed with arsenic every second for hours...and what about last month? What the fuck was that?

A month ago, after thirty minutes of merciless beating, Sakumo had done something unexpected on both parts. Sakumo _kissed _him, not the sweet family kind...but the dirty kind. Kakashi had been so tired from the pummelling he couldn't fight him, but that didn't mean the shock hadn't reached his brain.

Kakashi could still remembered the tongue forcing its way into his mouth, the hands grabbing and pinching him all over and the heat from his father's crotch that was pressed up against his leg. Kakashi didn't want anything like that to happen again, at the time even Sakumo had seemed afraid. Kakashi had watched his face change from intimidating and fierce to scared and ashamed...

"KAKASHI, I TOLD YOU TO COME DOWNSTAIRS!" hollered the drunk man, nearing the closet Kakashi was occupying. Sakumo heard a small cry from inside and after a few tries was able to open the locked door with his chakra.

"...you should have listened to me boy..." his words only slightly slurred as Sakumo neared himself to the weeping boy in the corner.

'_Please have a moodswing and leave me alone...please someone hel-'_

Kakashi received a hard hit to his already marked face; this being the very reason he began wearing a mask. The force had sent Kakashi's head to crash against the wall beside him; the throbbing instantly numbed his senses but it didn't take long for Kakashi to feel every hit given to him again.

Kakashi cried out with pain, the tears trickling down his face...and blood.

'_He's not stopping...'_

Kakashi's fear escalated as Sakumo seemed to not loose interest in his human punching bag.

An hour passed after what had felt like an eternity of Hell being Heaven when Sakumo finally ceased the violence and looked down at his bloody, bruised and quivering son. _'So weak...'_

Kakashi was relieved, it was usually now when his father would retire to his room and just sleep, but this time was different. Sakumo was staring at him, admiring his handy work and enjoying the sight far too much.

Sakumo placed a hand on Kakashi's side, turning him to face him; Kakashi sad and empty eyes seeped to be asking 'why?' but Sakumo could only smirk. This was his creation through and through; Kakashi was his to make and his to break.

Sakumo softly pressed his lips against Kakashi's torn and bruised ones, his son always smelt a delicious mixture of the rainforest and blood. Sakumo quickly changed the pace and shoved his tongue into Kakashi's smaller one, tasting and exploring every inch while his hands roamed over Kakashi's back and hips possessively.

Kakashi was to fatigued to even attempt at fighting Sakumo off of him as he was forced to stand, Kakashi only wanted it to be over...Kakashi didn't know that his father was going farther than this with him..._much _farther.

It didn't take long for Sakumo to strip Kakashi down to his boxers, Kakashi's pale and lean body marred with cuts, scraped and bruises that only made his erection grow harder. _'Beautiful'_

Kakashi didn't know what was going on, he was only four years old and his father was always unpredictable but he had not been expecting to see his father strip down naked; his heavy erection threatening and scary.

Sakumo began kissing Kakashi again, rough and controlling as he slowly moved his mouth down biting and sucking as he went and pulled Kakashi's boxers down with his teeth.

Kakashi didn't like this one bit, he felt dirty and humiliated... _'Why me? Why the fuck is it me?!'_

Kakashi sobbed loudly as his father began kissing his neck and gasped loudly when he felt him probing his entrance.

The large finger pushed past muscle and wriggled around as he prepared the boy. No lubrication, he wanted the boy as he was...

Kakashi tried to ignore what was happening as his father continued his assault but when he added two more fingers the pain was too much.

Sakumo scissored him for a while, he didn't care if the boy was ready or not, he removed his fingers and lifted his son in his large arms pressing him against the wall.

Sakumo slowly pushed himself into Kakashi's tight hot entrance; his screams were an exquisite agony, his tears salty and streamed down his cheeks. Sakumo couldn't get enough as he began thrusting and picking up a rhythm.

Kakashi couldn't believe what was happening. He couldn't think, his head filled with questions and his body on fire inside and out. The organ inside him was far too large and he could feel liquid begin coating it at it reached deeper and deeper still.

It hurt in so many ways Kakashi couldn't even begin to explain.

Sakumo didn't take long to climax inside the child, with a sigh he filled him with hot cum; he stayed inside him for a few more seconds before pulling out and just dropping Kakashi onto the harsh cold floor.

Kakashi landed with a thud, his body sore yet numb, him mind bursting but empty his insides hot yet freezing...

Sakumo left his son shivering and alone on the wooden floor of the closet and made his way to his bedroom to rest.

Kakashi lay there unmoving and would appear dead to the world...but to the Hatake family he was just broken.

~*# (End Flashback) #*~

Kakashi woke up suddenly with sweat glistening over his body, he looked up out of the locked window and seemed captured within his own mind...he was going to raise hell here and now...

* * *

Iruka's POV

Kakashi's really done it now. The fucker put someone else in hospital!

I had received a call from the Hokage about a breakdown, Kakashi shattered glass and punched walls screaming for everything to 'stop' and cried 'why? Why me?!'

He went ballistic when a guard backed him into a corner, Kakashi almost killed him by going for his throat and he had to be injected with a high dosage of morphine to stop.

What the hell had done this to him? Kakashi was always calm and 'hippy-esk.'

Maybe this is the part of Kakashi that I need to fix.


	7. Answers

(A/N: hey "Dan," are you Scottish? Lol if u r me too XD. This chappie explains why the memory came up and things get a little closer between Kakashi and Iruka)

Slipping

Answers

"I'm sorry..."

After Kakashi's breakdown Iruka had gone to try and find out what had done this to him...and he got an answer.

Kakashi, strapped down with chakra enforced binds, screamed and cried out violently towards anyone who would listen to him. Luckily only two guards and Iruka had been there to hear it. Iruka had been told he had been raped as a child; but for over _three years?!_

The two guards were sent to Hokage to be told the seriousness of Kakashi's past not becoming public knowledge as Iruka worked to calm him down enough to at least not hurt himself any further. The binds had left marks over his pale skin and he seemed to be possessed by some vicious demon; shaking and sweating uncontrollably.

After a good 4 hours, from a mix of exhaustion and morphine, Kakashi was finally safe to let out of his binds.

Iruka sat at the bottom of the hospital bed near Kakashi and looked at him trying to get eye contact; but Kakashi wasn't giving it to him. Kakashi's eyes stayed fixed on his clenched fist that gripped his white trousers. Everything in the damn room was white. The floor, walls, ceilings, Kakashi's clothes...it was all so nothing could be hidden from the guards. Kakashi's arms were bandaged up to the elbows since the widows had all been shattered due to his breakdown. Not all of the glass did Kakashi just leave on the floor.

Iruka wondered what had sparked this sudden memory to come back so dramatically and why Kakashi _hadn't_ tried to kill himself; he didn't even go near his wrists...and why, if Kakashi's problems were this bad, he would accept therapy just for a peaceful suicide? Iruka asked these questions as nicely and as professionally as possible and was met finally given eye contact.

Kakashi's mismatched eyes, raw and sore from the crying, burned into Iruka's brown ones and he waited for any sort of answer.

"You wanna know in that order?" Iruka nodded; he caught the raspy sound emanating from Kakashi's throat; most likely from all the shouting.

"You;" came his answer flatly.

A very confused Iruka took a moment to try and understand this. _He_ had sparked this memory back..._How? ...THE SESSION!_

_Iruka_ had made Kakashi recollect his troubled childhood and now Kakashi was being faced with these memories again...exactly how long has Kakashi suppressed these thoughts?

Iruka's guilt was an intense pang in his chest. He, being a therapist, had often had to help his patients regress and often this would lead to pain or crying but nothing like this before.

"I am so...so sorry...I didn't mean t-"

"You didn't know."

This caught Iruka. Why is he trying to help him feel better? This was definitely not the 'textbook symptom.'

Kakashi quickly changed the subject to Iruka's next question; why not kill himself?

"I like feeling good."

Iruka remembered the question but still didn't understand. Kakashi was just too damn strange.

"I'm not content on dragging myself down. If I could feel better I would but I know that no matter what I do I can't get out of this misery."

"Wait." Iruka stopped abruptly before Kakashi could move on and asked something new. "Why tell _me_ this? I know I'm your therapist but I got the impression that you never tell people about your father, so...why open up to _me?"_

"I don't know." Kakashi was silent until a small whimper escaped and he began tearing up "I just f-felt I –" Kakashi stuttered as he just couldn't think. Kakashi knew why he had told Iruka but after the breakdown he was far less inclined to open up. Truth is Iruka had reminded him of someone...well...the way someone used to be.

Iruka could see how upset this was making Kakashi; he then changed the subject to Kakashi's failed sobering and therapy. Kakashi told him about how insecure and lost being sober had made him, the fear was too great and he would rather be an addict than a babbling weakling.

"It's probably related to your father and...any other bad relationships?" Iruka saw Kakashi's eyes dart away from him, Kakashi had so many secrets.

"I've been used. I guess it's all my fault...after my father...I didn't respect myself and I allowed people to...to-"

"Kakashi nothing is your fault. It would be natural to feel that way after something like that...but you should know that you should respect yourself. You're an incredible person." Iruka looked deep into Kakashi's mismatched eyes, the broken soul behind them had so much promise.

"Why me?" asked Kakashi through a whimper and Iruka's eyes moved to Kakashi's mouth. He was struggling not to cry...

"Your father's influence trigg-"

"No." Kakashi's face was serious. Strong emotions battling inside of him wanting out. "Fate or God, or whatever the fuck there is, _hates me!_"

A lot of people feel like that; they can't explain why they were chosen for specific negatives in life...but Kakashi must have known this. Being a genius and a trained psychologist his statement must run deeper. Iruka gave Kakashi a look asking for him to continue.

Kakashi's face relieved of anger then turned to weeping and Iruka felt the overwhelming need to comfort him.

"It's not just my father...people who actually loved me...friends...I-I've lost...s-so many" Kakashi's sobbing was uncontrollable now; his whimpering and tears making Iruka feel so low and he couldn't answer.

"How long have u suppressed this memory Kakashi?" asked Iruka genuinely caring. Even though they were maybe only a foot apart Kakashi seemed to be miles away.

"I've done so much stupid stuff just to cope with events in my life. I used drugs when my best friend died and God forbid it helped! But now I have made myself numb to these things I can't sober...or they'll come back and I'll have wasted so much of my life" Iruka's eyes couldn't leave Kakashi's "I feel humiliated, used and cheap...and I've proven that over and over" he choked through his small cries.

The rumour was true. Kakashi was a slut...but for justified reasons. It feels good physically and Kakashi has detached himself emotionally so greatly that it doesn't bother him so much. But it was still proof that Kakashi didn't value himself in any meaning of the word.

Kakashi's tears streamed down his beautiful face and dripped from his chin to his white trousers. The urge to comfort won out within Iruka as he couldn't stop the arm that reached out.

Iruka moved closer, rested his arm over Kakashi's shoulders as Kakashi's head leaned on Iruka's chest. Iruka's hand rubbed Kakashi's arm soothingly as he whispered words to help Kakashi relax.

"I don't care what anybody says...you are worth everything and more" Iruka paused as he realised just how much he meant those words. Kakashi looked like an angel and Iruka wanted more than anything to let Kakashi know it...but he couldn't without scaring him.

Kakashi focused on his breathing and tried stopping the tears but they just kept coming. Iruka's words were sweet but no amount of pretty words were going to change the truth.

Iruka knew Kakashi didn't believe him. Iruka so badly just wanted to kiss the Jounin but the smart voice in his head told him to suppress the feeling. It was difficult but he managed.

Kakashi continued to cry as Iruka held him tenderly in his arms and savoured the attention from the handsome Chuunin. Kakashi had been comforted like this many times but never had it felt so loving and warm. _'Does he actually care for me?'_

Kakashi felt himself drifting to sleep, he didn't want to but he felt so safe in Iruka's company. So safe in fact, that a thought had escaped his lips, just audible to hear, before he fell into unconsciousness. "Who in their right mind would want to be with me?"

Iruka looked down into his sleeping angels face and gently wiped away his tears with his thumb. He slowly breathed in Kakashi's sweet scent of vanilla and the ocean. Iruka leaned his lips down ti Kakashi's ear and whispered "_I'd_ want to be with you'

Iruka gave a small smile and left a brief kiss on Kakashi's forehead before lying him down on the bed and promptly making his exit.

* * *

Iruka's POV

I arrived late to see team 7 at ramen stand but they weren't mad and we quickly began chowing down. I had been lade because I went home to make sure _I _was okay after my visit with Kakashi.

"Iruka-sense?" asked Sakura quite glumly...I knew what or who she was thinking about.

"Yes Sakura" I said as I put my chopsticks down neatly.

"When do you suppose we'll get to see Kakashi-sensei again?"

Everyone stopped, even Naruto who probably wouldn't stop eating if his hair was on fire and the people serving them...they all wanted to know.

I gave a smile and replied "I promise I'll take you to see him soon, I don't know how soon but it _will_ happen!"

The faces I saw could have made Attila Da Hun coo. It was the happiest I had ever seen the students. They really care for Kakashi too.

Naruto began doing a little happy dance, Sakura almost cried and even Sasuke couldn't stop his smiling.

The team returned to normal, and not the recent gloomy normal but the 'old-times' normal and begin goofing around, we laugh and managed to forget things for a while until gossipers suddenly began eavesdropping. That was seriously a mood killer.

'_Don't u see how much you've effected our lives Kakashi? No I suppose not'_

* * *

It was 7pm as Gai made his way down the corridor towards Kakashi's new room, since his breakdown they had to move him. Gai had looked in at room 108and the damage was unbelievable.

Gai had visited Kakashi a few times now and had been feeling better about the 'incident' but after the breakdown worry had been plaguing him once again.

Gai finally approached the room and the guard at the door; a very familiar guard.

"Well, hello Gai" was Hayate's attempt at a lively greeting which failed miserably as he began coughing again. It was like a small alarm going off in Gai's head when he saw Hayate.

"Are you the only guard today?"

"For the next *cough* four hours" he managed through a raspy voice.

"How often are you here...alone?"

"Once, maybe twice a week" Hayate said as he began searching Gai for weapons.

It finally made sense; Kakashi was not a magician.

With a check from Hayate Gai carefully entered the room and closed it behind him. He looked to the bed to see Kakashi lying down looking slightly dazed.

"Kakashi, are you high?"

Kakashi looked over to Gai with a smile and nodded.

Gai gave a small groan but he had to admit – Kakashi was the master. Kakashi had done things like this many times, drugs, while bad, were quite the source of hilarity. During their friendship many funny adventures had been caused by Kakashi's drug use, one time Kakashi had accidentally left some pure heroin in the 3rd Hokage's office and the getting it back unnoticed was some of the strangest fun some people can have.

Happy memories, no matter how twisted, made Gai feel better and he could feel his eyes watering.

"Gai, if you cry, I will gauge your eyes out and feed them to Pakkun" mock threatened a very light-headed Kakashi.

'No you won't" Kakashi gave a confused look which was quite unusual since he wasn't thinking straight "you didn't stick to your threat when Asuma wrecked your apartment' Gai continued with a smirk.

"Well it's not my fault there's no such thing as a beard-seeking missile" laughed Kakashi.

Gai joined him and suggested that with Kakashi's genius that he invent one but Gai had to ask "What made you have such a large breakdown?"

Kakashi looked at the floor "I don't want to say" Gai looked worried so Kakashi looked back at him with a smile "But don't worry; Ruka's working on it with me."

Gai was relieved but he caught one thing about what Kakashi had said "Ruka?"

Kakashi stuttered nervously, oops, "That's what I call him in my head" he explained with some embarrassment.

"You like him don't you?" asked Gai nicely.

"I like a lot of people" regaining his cool exterior.

"Yeah but you _like him_ like him"

Gai knew he did, every time the Chuunin was near him Kakashi went weak at the knees and stayed quiet for fear of saying something stupid, Kakashi was lucky to be wearing a mask otherwise his blush would have been seen for sure and now Kakashi saw him nearly every day. It was almost like god was trying to make an apology.

Kakashi's expression faded from happy to glum as Kakashi thought on his crush "what does it matter? He's gonna be straight and he knows my problems –he won't want someone like me, used and unwanted, totally beyond repair..."

"I think if anyone could make u happy it's hi-"

"I don't deserve him!" burst Kakashi angrily making Gai silent.

Gai had seen Kakashi's outburst too many times to count. Kakashi often gets like this when someone tries to built up his self esteem, he's convinced he's dirt and should be walked on and kicked as only god or whatever had intended...he had his pride in his head and regarding self control it hurt whenever he lost it even for a moment. Kakashi's self respect was too far gone and it was proved in his sex life, he belittled his value so much that he didn't care about how people had his body. Normally men, women felt slightly honoured to sleep with him but men were only after one thing and possibly the sickest thing was that Kakashi also preferred it because it hurt the most when being penetrated. Just another pawn in his self-harming.

"You're still getting your drugs" Gai said changing subject

"Yeah. I'm resourceful –a natural ninja trait regarding your good at what u do" said Kakashi flatly.

"I know how you're doing it."

"You're intuitive...your a good ninja"

"Kakashi, if you don't pull through this you won't be a ninja anymore; you'll be a past ninja who can only remember slipping into his own self pity"

"Don't you dare say I pity myself, nobody liked you until I came along and befriended you! I-"

Silence commandeered the hospital room t that moment, Gai's biggest nerve and Kakashi had hit it with all his might.

"_I've lost my mind"_ muttered Kakashi as he collapsed onto the bed, hands on his head with his fingers tightly gripping on his hair.

Gai moved closer to Kakashi and took the shaking Kakashi in his arms to comfort him, Kakashi kept muttering how much he didn't mean what he said and how dear Gai was to him.

"Don't worry Kakashi" started Gai as he cradled his friend "between me and Iruka well help you find it again"


	8. Love?

(A/N: sorry this took so long to update but I've just turned 16 and it's been a whirlwind at school – but I'm not here to tell you my life story so let's get on with the story...

Hope you enjoy it and I'm pleasantly surprised at the amount of attention I've received for this one story, Enjoy Chapter 8!)

* * *

Slipping

Love?

Kakashi's POV

_189...190...191...192..._

The sweat bathes my body as I continue my push up exercises. The small but powerful muscles in my body ache with the stinging sensation and the new guard is peering at me through the two toned glass with a constant paranoia that I'm going to pull something sneaky.

_...193...194...195..._

My breathing is harsh and my mind is throbbing with the pressure my body is under. My body is going through a 'recovery stage' as Umino-chan had put it, with the new diet and drastic change in lifestyle my mind and body are trying to adapt and settle...and the sobriety definitely doesn't help.

Gai had found out about my arrangement with Hayate and requested that he be removed from any duty regarding me. It annoyed me at first with Gai's actions but I couldn't stay mad for long; he was trying to look after me and if going against what I wanted was what he had to do, so be it.

_...196...197...198..._

I am awaiting my withdrawal from my drugs with dread. I've experienced such things before, the undying pain in every inch of the human anatomy, blood courses like arsenic and the mind is Satan's favourite football to abuse and toy with. I'm not looking forward at all...

Already my body has suffered through my loss of alcohol, after I returned to the hospital the headaches I felt could have floored a rhinoceros and the shakes could have caused earthquakes. The Hokage had called in some specialists to assist but when I was exhibiting no violent behaviour they were rendered obsolete and I was permitted to my privacy and alone time with Umino-chan. Slowly, we were getting closer and my ability to share with the Chuunin was developing.

Obviously now I couldn't imagine being where I am without Umino-chan...without Ruka.

_...199...200!_

I stop there at the clean number and sit with my back to the white wall behind me. I breathe in deeply and look up at the equally white ceiling lazily. The sweat drips down my face and torso leaving me feeling refreshed.

I signal with my hand to the new guard for him to come in. He unlocks the door carefully, looking all around and is light with every step; this guard is so uptight it was almost disturbing. Everything anyone did he felt it was a possible threat or trick. That kind of ninja wouldn't last 5 minutes on the battle field.

He looks at me with alert eyes, almost as if he's expecting Daffy Duck to drop an anvil on his head, he's much older than I am and hairier too. I ask him to accompany me, although I really detest the man, to the balcony and he sighs as he begins the hand signs.

I am allowed to go out on the balcony or walk around the hospital so long as I am with a trusted escort and I am under a jutsu making my chakra inaccessible. There is no point of my running away, there are extra guards at the doors of the hospital and everyone is on alert in the village. At least I can leave my room; my sanity would surely crumble otherwise.

He finished the jutsu with a puff of smoke and opens the door to the balcony; I stand up wearily. My knees are slightly weak after my push-ups and I stretch my arms above my head hearing cricks erupt before stepping out onto the balcony with the guard.

It's still pretty early and the sun can't be seen yet, but the sky is a mix of reds and purples and the cold crisp air nips away at my skin. I breathe in the cool air and feel my body relax, I can see people leaving and entering the hospital, I can see some houses and a couple of times I've seen gossipers who only want some material to chat over...it's amazing what some people will do for a story.

I remember Ruka bringing me newspapers and telling me the latest 'word on the street' and we would nearly piss ourselves laughing. They knew nothing and yet like the pompous asses they are they paraded on about my complex issues and background simplicities...yes; they are all stupid.

Psychiatrists who knew nothing went on for pages about absolute crap. "He cover's his face to cover his identity because he doesn't know who he is anymore" or "His mask is his superiority complex telling him not to be as mundane as everyone else so he hides the thing most exposed by others" - what a load of Bull.

I explained to Iruka the real reason I wore a mask – during my father's abusive periods he beat me and I had to cover my bruises and cuts but after the rape I felt it was easier to fake a smile if people couldn't see it. Simple and I guess it later turned into a barrier between people and my most shallow insecurities. It worked and I'm not lying.

I've been without my mask since arriving at the hospital and honestly at first I was uncomfortable, but then it dawned that these people can't judge me anymore than they already do and I was able to get used to it. Which probably isn't the best thing regarding my philosophy for this was that 'they can't think any less or worse of me so who gives a fuck' ...oh well.

I look down over the edge of the balcony, I lean on the metal bars and my vision leads straight down into beautiful trees and sitting areas. I watch a kid chasing a sparrow and making a big face when his parents tell him to not go on the road. He watched, holding back the tears, as the small bird flew off to the early morning sky.

"Err...Sir?" interrupted my least favourite guard, he was probably going to say something stupid, he was that type of guy; "could you _not_ lean over the bars like that? It's just tha-"

"What?" I said in a stern voice, I liked messing with his mind and I could tell he was uneasy with the prospect of a suicide jump from me. _I was just looking at trees! _Can't a guy look at trees anymore without people thinking he's going to jump off a building? No...I guess not. I acted offended and I watched him squirm, some Jounin he was. "It's just that...what?"

I watched him stutter as he managed "j-just th-that you have...well...t-tendencies." When he said that my mind concluded this man was a moron, I shook my head with a smirk and looked out again.

Without eye contact I retorted "I'll do what I feel like and my '_tendencies' _are my damn business...don't deny a restricted suicidal person his sightseeing again...got it?"

He gulped with a nod and I couldn't help think _'...owned!'_

He kept to himself after our discussion and allowed me my time to unwind but for my own amusement I would shoot him death glares and watch him squeal...He must think I'm like a bomb.

I hear someone enter the room and walk towards the door to the balcony, I couldn't help the smile curling at my lips; it was Ruka. I didn't turn to look but I heard the decidedly confident Chuunin telling the guard "I'll take over now..." when the Jounin didn't respond I heard Iruka say a delightfully colourful threat including a bottle of bleach, a fishing pole and a part of the anatomy best left unsaid ...I think I've been rubbing off on him.

A couple hand signs and it was just me and Ruka on the balcony, he followed my example and leaned next to me on the bars surveying the scene. We kept silent for a few minutes, not awkwardly at all...it was actually quite nice. "Do you want me to get you a new guard? He's looking a bit worn" said Iruka playfully.

"Not quite yet...I can still get in a few more tortures before he's referred to a shrink" I reply with a devilish smirk. I just loved winding up people like him. A small chuckle escaped Iruka and he turned his head to the side looking at me.

Sighing I turn my head to gaze at the handsome Chuunin and I feel that ping go off in my chest. My crush on him has only grown and I don't know how much more I can take before I blurt it out. I look into those warm brown eyes and I feel I'm melting. I'm always happy to see him, even if the occasion is something unpleasant...I just go weak at the knees and it causes feelings I can't even begin to explain.

He seems to care about me but I know it's just sympathy, he's a good man and he cares a lot for everybody; I'm nothing special...

His words keep ringing in my mind, those sweet comforting and clearly false words that he ushered on the day I cried in his arms; I must have looked so weak.

"_I don't care what anybody says...you are worth everything and more"_

Beautiful, soothing words had spilled from the Chuunin's lips for me, they had sounded genuine but then again I'm not exactly the best at judging that sort of thing. Judging feeling or true sincerity? Hell, I don't even show my face.

'_Does he like me?'_ I've asked myself so many times, he can't like me and yet I doubt my own logic and any form of practical thinking. He gives me a glance or a smile that bores deep into me making me feel higher than any drug could do.

All these crazy thoughts swim around in my mind; but the maddest of them all includes a deadly word...the _L_ word...

I wonder if I love him...It sounds crazy I know but I've forgotten how these things start out. The last person I had learned to love had hurt me badly and since then I haven't connected with anyone else. I care about my students like an uncle or like a big brother. They annoy the hell out of me and I have to shape my life around them, but I really don't mind; I might love them but I wouldn't risk too much on it.

This is bad. I'm so emotionally destroyed I can't even recognise the most amazing sentiment existing even though I've felt it so many times before. I don't want to think about what that means...

Ruka pulls me out of my inner bantering as he straightens up, his clothes shifting slightly with the movement. I swear if I wasn't so exhausted I would have jumped him right there and then.

He's wearing blue jeans and a baggy black t shirt, it hides his many muscles and overall shape but I don't mind...this man could wear everything to nothing and he'd still be the sexiest thing to walk the planet.

As Iruka goes to put his hands back on the railing his hand accidentally lands onto of mine. Like electricity the unbelievable rush flows up my arm and endorphins race.

Maybe I don't need drugs...Ruka is more than stimulating enough for me...

Nervously he retracts his hand from mind and sheepishly returns to leaning on the railing. He's cute when he's embarrassed, despite how tan he is a wonderful blush streaks his cheeks and the small compulsion on his to scratch the scar across his nose emphasises his boyish charms. Okay...I do...I love him...

* * *

Iruka's POV

"KAKASHI SENSEI..."

"GOOD GOD WE MISSED YOU SO MUCH! HOW HA..."

"ARE YOU OKAY? WE DONT TRUST THESE HOSPITALS, WE C....

I watch as tears and desperate pleas for the man echoes through the entire hospital as team 7 was reunited, there wasn't a dry eye in the whole ward...

I hadn't expected to be able to let them visit so soon but I figured I had best do it before Kakashi's withdrawal symptoms took over. Now was the best time, he looked healthy and hell, he even looked happy!

I know it won't last too long though...It's always calm before a storm...

The students know that this will probably be the only time they get to see him in a _long_ time and they are really taking advantage of it. The trio are clinging to him as if they were to let go he would just disappear. Sasuke is even crying now and Naruto can't speak coherently as sobs over take him; Sakura stopped trying to speak ages ago.

I can't see Kakashi's reaction but I know he's crying, silently they'll slide down his cheek as he listens to the muffled babbling of his heartbroken students and will never forget the pain he caused within them. I know this was a good idea...Kakashi won't ever try killing himself again.

My eyes sting and my head begins throbbing as I realise my face is drowned in my own tears...I've been crying for ages but I've been so mesmerised by the display that even _I _had forgotten I was here!

I shake away the dull banging in my head and wipe away the wetness that's settled upon my flushed cheeks. It stings but I couldn't care less right now.

The student has had it hard, gossipers have hounded them and even if they had wanted to they couldn't have told them anything...they didn't know anything. All which Kakashi tells me is purely between myself and him, I tell no one anything apart from Gai and the Hokage; but that is only regarding his general form and updates on his weight.

Gai visits so regularly and is telling me things as we go along, he won't tell me everything in one and to be honest I'm very glad. This strengthens my patience and trust with Kakashi. I'm not sneaking around behind his back learning more than he knows I know.

I've come to resent Kakashi's father with a passion, and I know I'm not alone. Gai knows about the beatings but not the rape and if Sakumo were still alive who knows what Gai would be capable of unleashing on him. Kakashi, being as good a psychiatrist as he is, already knows the reason behind his father's actions and I could only agree with his conclusion;

Kakashi's genius had come from his mother, she was intelligent beyond her years and made a fortune on medical, scientific and mathematical breakthroughs...and of course Kakashi followed...

By the age of four when most children are struggling with their ABCs and counting to ten Kakashi was reading large books, learning different languages just by picking up learning dictionaries and solving advanced formulae. His talent shined through even before then, his Chakra control was out of this world and just by reading scrolls he could understand and perform several jutsu – this he took from his father. Kakashi was the best ingredients from both his parents but after his mother died, Sakuma was left bitter...seeing the resemblance of her in Kakashi, Sakumo's mind was deranged and barriers shattered into nothingness. Kakashi was punished as far as Sakumo needed for the pain of losing his wife to be justified.

It's a sick twisted world...and it's all possible inside our own minds.

Scary thoughts ail me more and more as I study deeper into Kakashi's complex and riddled soul. I feel a burning deep within me, my entire life I had been foreign to this type of sensation until now; now I had the ill experience of overwhelming anger.

My emotions towards Kakashi have only grown and I fear how far I would go to protect him, I've never felt like this before and it frightens me to hell...he's worth it though. No matter how much he denies it; he is absolutely worth it.

Eventually I'm able to focus and I realise it's almost been THREE HOURS?! Where did the time go so quickly? I swear these white hospital rooms play tricks on the mind...

Rather reluctantly the students return home after many hugs and sniffles; they're ever so cute but it still hurts to thing what they're been going through.

I escort them out of the building and I give each of them a hug as they head off. Their 'thank you's and warm hearted affection makes me feel all fuzzy inside. This was definitely a step forward; the trouble that will soon come will take everything Kakashi, Gai and I have but I know that we've made it this far and we won't back down now...

* * *

The rest of the evening is spent with Kakashi in Iruka's arms, the rush from seeing his students had nearly knocked him out cold but he couldn't have been more moved. Now he knew he loved them too...

The act of holding one another had become a routinely thing whenever Kakashi was overcome with emotion. Neither minded the contact....

Flooded with attraction, Iruka would blush like a madman and Kakashi would often bury his face in Iruka's shoulder. All the time they would catch each other gazing at the other or taking in the sweet scents; but still they shied away.

Previous playful teasing (_a.k.a. flirting_) was turned coy and sentimental despite their usual banter about humorous issues. When moments of great magnetism tugged at them they would change the subject and try to calm themselves inwardly. It was tough to say the least.

Both wanting to just tell the other about the feelings that were fit to burst out; one held back by caution for his patient and one by a lifetime of cold heartbreaks; they were almost ready to give up...

Lying down on the white hospital bed, Kakashi curled in and snuggled as close as possible to his Ruka's chest while a tan hand grazed lightly up and down his back and the other gently resting on his own pale hand.

Soft breathing in a shared rhythm was all that could be heard from the room. At that moment it was as if the entire world had disappeared, it was just them, no problems, no one else and no hospital. In their own paradise the duo silently lulled themselves into a dazed state by where sleep threatened to claim them as its willing victims.

Iruka hugs Kakashi closer as he drifts into unconsciousness first; his last image being the heard of full silver locks resting on him; tickling his chin.

Kakashi had not felt so serene in...well...ever!

He could stay there forever and when he heard mumbled jargon leaving his desired Ruka's lips he could only smile deeply. Preparing to fall prey to the slumber beast he sighed breathlessly at the warm body beneath him.

Snooze about to claim him failed as Iruka's mumbles came out audible; yes Iruka was asleep but his talking hit a nerve with such godly thunder that Kakashi would stay fighting another day of consciousness...

"_Kakashi...with all my heart...I will protect you...and love you..."_


End file.
